


group therapy

by diavolo



Series: seventeen as non-cis characters [3]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Depression, Eating Disorders, F/M, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Multi, My angsty ass did it again, Mystery, Personality Disorder, Rage Problems, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-09-03
Packaged: 2018-12-12 06:44:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11731668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/diavolo/pseuds/diavolo
Summary: Everyone has a story, a background behind them that made them walk straight into the ward.It almost feels like being entangled by some kind of force.





	1. welcoming

Wonwoo entered through the door to the place he knew he was not going to be able to escape in a long time. With his jaw clenched and his hands turned into fists, he didn't even looked at the nurses or the people that was gathering to give him a look. 

 

“Breakfast at 6am, lunchtime at 2pm, dinner at 6pm and you go back to your bed at 8pm, you are only allowed to go outside during the day” The nurse explained that to him as they walked through the yard, it was 4pm so Wonwoo guessed it was okay to be there. 

 

They stopped talking when they ran into another nurse, the lady gave Wonwoo a look and raised one eyebrow.

 

“Jeon Wonwoo” The nurse that was by his side introduced him, but he didn't care, he didn't look at the other lady. 

 

“Wonwoo, huh?” She just shook her head in disapproval. “Go play, kid, and be sure to be ready for dinner, if you miss it we won’t give you any food until tomorrow” 

  
  


The tall and slender boy sat down at a bench, alone, not intimidated by the looks the others gave him, he knew well he looked threatening, no one was going to mess with him. But if they did, he was not going to hesitate into beating the fuck out of them. 

He was like that, he solved his problems with violence… maybe it was the reason why he was there in the first time. 

 

“Hello” 

 

Wonwoo turned his face to look at his right side, confused. There was someone sitting by his side now, he didn't even heard him coming. 

 

“Hey” Wonwoo crossed his arms and lifted one eyebrow, trying to look as intimidating as he could.

 

The guy sitting next to him smiled. “Welcome” he shrugged, his smile was the most beautiful thing Wonwoo ever saw in his life “This is a shitty place but… I'm Jeonghan” he said, offering his hand to Wonwoo.

 

The taller took it and shaked it once, letting it go immediately, but his eyes were still stuck on the latter's soft features and how that brown short hair framed his face incredibly. “Wonwoo” he said, nodding. 

 

“Wanna come to meet the others?” Jeonghan offered, looking intently at him. 

 

Wonwoo hesitated but he only shrugged, getting up of his seat to follow the smaller male. 

  
  


They walked towards a group of people sitting on the grass at a far side of the yard, all of them gathered talking, some of them smoking. Was that even allowed there? 

 

“Guys, this is Wonwoo” Jeonghan smiled at all of them, happily introducing his new made friend. Everyone turned their heads to look at them. “These are Jisoo, Seungkwan, Junhui, Minghao, Chan and that one is Jihoon” 

 

Wonwoo lifted his head a bit, only to nod later. 

 

“Welcome to the ward, the shittiest place on earth” Seungkwan laughed, holding a cigarette between his index and heart finger. 

 

“Fresh meat” Junhui laughed, wiggling her eyebrows and winking at the newcomer. 

 

Jihoon paused what he was reading and lifted his head to look at Wonwoo, furrowing his eyebrows. He looked extremely angry.

He got up from where he was sitting and passed by his side, crashing their arms together and leaving all of the others there, in complete silence. 

 

Jeonghan sighed and carefully patted Wonwoo's arm. “He always does that when someone new arrives, don't worry, he will get used to you”

 

“Jihoon hates us all, so this is an official welcoming” Chan, who seemed to be the younger of them all, shrugged, hugging his knees with both hands, shy. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


After a dinner that Wonwoo could barely look at, let alone taste, he was assigned a room. And he had to share with other people. 

He didn't know if he was surprised or not after finding out he was going to be sharing room with his newly made  _ friends.  _

 

Room number seventeen, the second bunk next to the wall, the lower bed, on the top bed was Jeonghan. Already dressed in pajamas, his hair wet but he still looked tremendously angelical. 

 

Jihoon slept in the bed in front of him, he still looked at Wonwoo with anger. On top of his bunk slept Chan, but currently, the younger was in Jeonghan's bed, shivering, mumbling how he hated sleeping alone, how he hated the dark, how he hated the place. 

 

“Everyone hates this place, shut the fuck up” Seungkwan rolled his eyes, he was already covered with his blankets, Minghao slept on the top bed. 

 

“Yeah you always do this, get over it already, it's been six months since you arrived” Minghao raised his voice, tired of the same shit that Chan pulled every night. 

 

“You shut up too” Junhui raised one eyebrow as her head popped out of her blankets, clearly bothered. She kicked the upper bunk a couple of times until Jisoo closed his bible.

 

“You are going to hell” Jisoo said, putting his bible under his pillow. 

 

“I'll see you there” Junhui snorted, she was not afraid of that so called hell Jisoo always came up with.

 

“God hates-”

 

“Alright, time to sleep” Jeonghan turned the lights off as he hugged Chan close to his body, the younger was already trembling. “No more fighting, okay? Sleep well, all of you” 

 

“Yes mom” Junhui sarcastically said, kicking the upper bunk one more time before covering herself with her blankets again.

 

“Sinner, Satan lives in your heart” Jisoo murmured, putting his rosary on his neck.

 

“I hope your rosary tangles in your neck while you sleep” Junhui murmured too, her eyes closed.

 

“Kids” Jeonghan raised his voice. Everyone hummed in response. “Wonwoo, sleep well” 

 

Wonwoo hummed, his eyes were open. He was thinking, like every night, he was not able to sleep due to his constant over thinking about his past… and the thing was he could only remember it briefly. But he knew he was mad about it, he could feel it, buried on the back of his head, blurry, but sitting there, showing up every once in a while just as a reminder how he could not get rid of it. His past was tattooed, blurrily, but tattooed deeply. 

  
He also started wondering… why were the others there? 


	2. i hate them all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jihoon visits his psychiatrist. Group therapy is soon and he already wants to kill everyone; Junhui gives Jisoo a pass to hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I started another one, but it won't be long, I just needed to take this out of my head.   
> Garden will be updated tomorrow probably, I already have the chapter written.   
> Thank u so much for reading, cuties~

"I hate them" Jihoon firmly said, looking at the ceiling. It was Tuesday, so he had to meet up with his psychiatrist, it was mandatory so he could see how the younger evolved. 

"You hate them?" The man asked, looking intently at his patient. 

 

"Yes, I hate them, and yesterday a new one arrived, why did you put him with us?" Jihoon didn't turn his head to look at the older, he just clenched his jaw.

 

"I don't know what you are talking about, Jihoon, I didn't put anyone there" The man took a deep breath and closed his eyes, opening them later to look at the wall.  _Dr. Choi_ _Seungcheol_ _, P_ _sychiatrist._ He studied for several years, he was the best of his class, he was an all-star student for all his life... he loved what he did, he was devoted to his career, and all of that didn't help when it came to Jihoon. Just when he thought things were getting better, they got a lot more worse. "But tell me about him, tell me about the new one, what's his name?"

 

Jihoon rolled his eyes and lowered his gaze to look at the male. "Wonwoo" He answered "His name is Wonwoo. His is one of those, I know it"

 

"One of those?"

 

"Yeah, he likes to act all rude and pretend he doesn't actually care about his environment... he is one of those who pretends he is okay, he is violent because he is actually afraid"

 

Seungcheol nodded and he took out a notebook where he started writing what his patient said. "What else?" He lifted his gaze to look at the younger again, trying to make him talk a bit more "Is that why you don't like him?" 

 

"Yeah, that's why I don't like him" Jihoon nodded "Why is he here anyways?"

 

The older sighed and shrugged, not actually knowing what to answer. He rubbed his eyes with both hands and started writing in his notebook again. "Rage problems, I guess"

 

"You guess? You should read your patients records, what if he is here because he killed someone?" Jihoon sat down, he was tired of being laying on his back. 

 

"You think he killed someone, Jihoon? You can tell me if you think Wonwoo is going to be a threat for you" Seungcheol again stopped writing to look at the smaller male. 

 

Jihoon shrugged. "The others seem to like him, it makes me sick of my stomach, I hate it when they adopt newcomers"

 

"Who adopted him?"

 

"Jeonghan, as always, he is the one who keeps bringing them around me, I already told him to leave me alone but he insists that we need to be together" 

 

"I see, so Jeonghan keeps adopting them" The older was again writing down on his notebook, nodding. He stopped writing and then he stood up, walking towards the shorter to crouch in front of him. "The nurse told me you don't want to take your pills, please do it, Jihoon" The younger sighed and rolled his eyes "Tomorrow you have therapy again, with Dr. Seokmin, you know you can't skip it, okay?" 

 

"God, I hate group therapy" Jihoon covered his face with both hands. 

 

Seungcheol tried to smile at the latter, taking a deep breath. "Go now, it's lunch time" 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jihoon left the office and started walking to the cafeteria, both hands inside his sweater's pockets, his face clearly displayed he was not in a good mood. Once he crossed the doors of the cafeteria he saw Jeonghan waving at him with both hands, smiling widely. 

"Come here, Jihoonie!" Jeonghan called him from the table they were  _all_ sitting.

 

The shorter male looked at them and without saying anything, he sat down next to Seungkwan. 

 

"How was your meeting with Mr. Sexy doctor?" Seungkwan asked, wiggling his eyebrows. "He told you already you are insane without any possibility of cure?" 

 

"Seungkwan" Jeonghan gave him a look, and he shook his head "Everything went right?" 

 

Jihoon shrugged "We have group therapy tomorrow" He announced, as if the others didn't know already, it was something they did every week, sometimes even twice"

 

"Group therapy is when we go talk about our feelings as if they cared" Minghao explained to Wonwoo, who was just staring at them with an eyebrow lifted, clearly not understanding.

 

"Or as if we had any one them" Junhui snorted, painting her long nails with black nail polish. "Feelings are a waste of time, you hear me?" She looked at Wonwoo, stopping what she was doing just to tell him that.

 

"Don't say that" Jeonghan pouted, turning his head to look at Wonwoo. "Don't listen to Junhui, she is just a difficult girl, but she actually has a heart deep inside" He smiled, patting lightly the latter's arm. "Aren't you going to eat anything, Seungkwannie?" 

 

"No, this will make me fat, don't think I am not aware of how many bullshit they throw into this so-called soup they make, there's no way I'll eat this" Seungkwan pushed his tray away from him. "Eat it if you want"

 

Chan, who was the one who received the tray, shook his head. "No, thank you very much" He said in a whisper, shy. 

 

"Can you stop for a fucking moment?" Junhui turned her head to look at the end of the table, where Jisoo was sitting, both of his hands together as he prayed a thank for the food. She was annoyed. "God doesn't exist" 

 

Jisoo opened his eyes and gave a disapproving look to Junhui. "Shut up, just because you are a lost case and are going to hell it doesn't mean I'm not allowed to look for salvation, I will go to heaven"

 

"Breaking news, idiot, we are all already in hell" Junhui smiled triumphal. 

 

"Alright, kids, time to stop" Jeonghan looked at Junhui and shook his head.

 

"Your God can suck my dick" Junhui murmured, motioning with her hands and mouth a blowjob.

 

"You are gross, sinner" Jisoo furrowed his eyebrows and got up from the table.

 

Jihoon looked at them in complete silence and he closed his eyes, he could barely stand them... yet there he was, always around them. He opened his eyes again and looked at Wonwoo, the latter looking back at him with a blank face, but defiant. 

 

 

Minghao was wandering through the hallways, looking for someone, luckily, he was going to find that someone soon.    
A wide smile appeared on his plump lips when he saw exactly the person he wanted to see, pushing a stroller. Minghao approached him from behind and hugged his upper body tightly, smiling. 

 

"Where are you going, handsome?" Minghao asked in a low voice, not letting the man dressed in white go.

 

"I need to take this to the fifth floor, but overall I'm bored to death" 

 

"How about we sneak into the therapy room and kiss instead?" Minghao wiggled his eyebrows and without waiting for an answer he took the latter's wrist and pulled him to the said room, locking them there. "So, did the most handsome nurse missed me?" 

 

"I did" The other male nodded, smiling lightly as he took the latter's slender body by the waist "How are you doing?"

 

"There's a new one" Minghao shrugged "But I don't want to talk about him, I want my man, Hansol, to give me a kiss with his amazing lips"

 

"A new one?" Hansol stopped Minghao's face by putting his index finger on the latter's lips to give him a serious look "Seriously?" 

 

"There's plenty of insane people out there, don't worry so much about it" Minghao kissed that finger and then he licked it "What? You don't wanna kiss me? Is it because you know like Seungkwan now?"

 

"No, I don't" Hansol shook his head and sighed, trying not to think too much about it. He pressed his lips together with the latter's and closed his eyes... he was going to be in trouble if someone ever found out he was kissing a patient. 

 

 

"He doesn't like darkness" Jeonghan explained, looking at Chan, who was currently sleeping, his head on his lap as he caressed the younger's head. "He always sleeps during the day because during the night he has nightmares... but he doesn't like talking about them" He explained in a low voice to Wonwoo, who was sitting by his other side. "It gives him anxiety"

 

"He has nightmares because he doesn't pray before going to sleep" Jisoo said, not lifting his gaze from his bible resting on his lap. "Do you believe in God, Wonwoo?" He paused his reading to look at the latter.

 

"I do, but we don't get along" Wonwoo shrugged "I bet hehas better things to do than helping me, so I don't bother into praying or anything" 

 

Jisoo smirked and he closed his bible. "I can hear God inside my head" He stated, proud, hugging his bible close to his chest. "You are all going to hell"

 

"Jisoo, please" Jeonghan called the younger with a soft voice and a concerned look. 

 

"God told me that, you are all going to hell" Jisoo repeated and he got up from where he was sitting, looking intently at Wonwoo.

 

"I'm fine with that" Wonwoo shrugged. 

 

"See?" Junhui snorted "Nobody cares, only you and guess what?" She stood from her place too to approach Jisoo; she took him by the shoulders and kissed him roughly on the lips "You are now going to hell too, because God hates faggots" she raised one eyebrow and laughed, Jisoo pushed her and ran away, with an urge of throwing up.

 

Jihoon looked at them silently from where he was sitting, annoyed, they made his life one hundred times harder. Why couldn't them just leave him alone? He furrowed his eyebrows and rolled his sweater's sleeves up, touching his forearms, brushing with his fingers the scars there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank u for reading. Please don't hesitate into leaving your comments, feedback is always important for me and they give me life and I am always glad to know what you think!! <3


	3. don't swallow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeonghan needs to know something about the medication, so he goes find the person that can answer his questions. Jihoon doesn't get why they take group therapy if it always ends up bad. Seungkwan is tired of Chan's shit. Minghao has a bad feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short one but it's the only way it can last ten chaps, if I make long chaps it will end sooner :( i love y'all

Jihoon walked towards the room where the group therapy was always held, he was tired, last night he could barely sleep due to Chan’s crying and sobbing, he was so loud ever since Wonwoo arrived… another reason for him to dislike the taller even more. 

 

He pushed the door and walked towards one of the two chairs available inside. Dr. Lee Seokmin was already there waiting and he flashed a wide and bright smile to him. Jihoon sat down, quiet, waiting for the rest to arrive. 

 

After a couple of minutes Jisoo went through the door, holding his bible near his chest and behind him Jeonghan and Chan entered, followed by Wonwoo. Junhui, Seungkwan and Minghao entered later, and they all sat on the floor forming a small circle that included both Dr. Lee Seokmin and Jihoon. 

 

“How are you feeling today, Jihoon?” Dr. Seokmin asked, looking intently at him. 

 

“Tell him the truth” Jeonghan murmured, holding Chan close to him, the younger was visibly sad, his teary eyes said everything.

 

Jihoon rolled his eyes and sighed. “I don't honestly know why we keep taking group therapy, I hate it, and I don't like them, this is not helping”

 

“I'll start” Jisoo raised his right hand, while the left kept his bible near his chest. “Junhui needs medication, something that cures him and makes him understand he is not a girl, something that makes him go back to normal”

 

Junhui clenched her jaw and her hands turned into fists under Jihoon's gaze. “I am a girl” she said, clearly bothered with that comment.

 

“You are a boy” Jisoo yelled back at her, furrowing his eyebrows “You are sick, what you are trying to do goes against God's will, you have a boy's body, stop trying to be something you aren't”

 

“Kids, please” Jeonghan closed his eyes and shook his head “Please, you are making Chan's anxiety go higher. Let's behave at least today, every group therapy is like this” 

 

Jihoon looked at Jisoo with disgust, he almost wanted to cry and punch that idiot. “Don't listen to him, Jun” he spoke, crossing his arms. 

 

Jun nodded, not looking at him, playing with her hair. Wonwoo turned his head to look at every single one of them and then sighed. 

 

“I am always angry, I always want to fight” Wonwoo started, not looking at the doctor.  

 

Jeonghan turned his head to look at him and smiled, silently thanking for that, he knew it was to cut the awkwardness. “Chan is scared again, and my little Kwannie is skipping meals and throwing up even when I told him he looks beautiful already” he made a pause, he knew the others were going to be kind of mad, but he also knew they were going to understand it was because he cared “Minghao is getting into troubles”

 

“I'm having nightmares again” Chan shyly said, in a low voice, not even looking at the doctor.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“I just don't understand why you're fucking that idiot” Seungkwan rolled his eyes and shook his head.

 

“I like him and he is nice to me” Minghao shrugged, he knew his best friend didn't liked Hansol. 

 

“Of course he is nice to you, he is getting some ass” Seungkwan scoffed and pushed his food tray far from him, the smell by itself made him nauseous. 

 

“You have to eat at least the fruit” Jeonghan said, from the end of the table, looking at Seungkwan. 

 

Jihoon looked at them and then at his hand, he was holding three different pills, he was supposed to take them. He lifted his gaze to look at Wonwoo and furrowed when he realized the taller was looking at him. “What?”

 

“Don't” Junhui raised her voice a little, looking at the smaller male. “Don't drink them, Jihoon” she shook her head. “They are trying to get to your head and actually turn you crazy”

 

Chan turned his head to look at Jeonghan and then at Junhui, back and forth for a couple of times, holding a small, dirty, stuffed bear between his arms. He sighed. 

 

“Shut the fuck up” Junhui furrowed her eyebrows and turned her head to look at Jisoo, who was praying with his eyes closed and his hands together. 

 

“God came to me last night” Jisoo opened his eyes, they looked empty. “He told me you will burn in hell and he showed me how” He smiled.

 

“Shut the fuck up” This time Wonwoo was the one who said it, he looked annoyed. “Why don't you go jerk off to the chapel?” 

 

Jihoon left the pills on the table and he covered his face with both hands. 

 

“I need to do something before going outside, I'll see you guys around” Jeonghan stood up from the table and he walked to the door. 

  
  
  


Jeonghan got out of the cafeteria and he walked to the stairs, he knew the upper door was going to be closed but all he needed to do was knock at the door. So he did. 

He waited patiently until it opened and he was able to see Mingyu, a tall young man that was in charge of monitoring the upper level’s door. There the most violent patients were held. 

 

“What are you doing here?” Mingyu tilted his head to one side but he then asked the younger to wait a bit. He went inside to turn the camera off and then he allowed Jeonghan to go inside.

 

Jeonghan took a seat in a chair next to Mingyu and he smiled to the taller male. “I wanted to see you” he confessed, shrugging. “Since you were moved to this part of the place I don't see you around as much”

 

“I know, but it was because they realized I was giving you cigarettes” Mingyu sighed and he leaned to kiss one of Jeonghan's cheeks, he later smiled. 

 

Jeonghan sighed and shrugged again “I wanted to ask something, if it's possible” 

 

“Shoot”

 

“Do you know if they changed the medication? Pills seem to be bigger now than before…”

 

“I don't know, do you want me to ask Hansol? He might know, after all he is the one who prepares the daily doses for the nurses to give away before you’re send to bed”

 

“Please, they don't seem like the usual pills and I am worried” Jeonghan took a deep breath and he leaned to kiss Mingyu on the lips softly, just a simple touch. “Thank you” he got up from the table and made his way out of that place before some other person catched them together. 

 

Mingyu watched him go and he sighed… how he liked that boy. And how bad he felt for knowing how bad things were for him. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Jihoon was watching Wonwoo, Jeonghan was sitting on his bed, Chan between both of them. The younger was crying his eyes out as he whispered how he felt something bad was going to happen… whatever was hunting him in his sleep was clearly getting out of control. He suddenly wondered what could that be, he never dreamed, after all he was dead inside. He was like an empty container. 

 

“Everything will be fine, baby” Jeonghan murmured to Chan's ear, caressing his back with one hand. 

 

“I swear I am going to beat the ever loving fuck out of him if he doesn't let me sleep today, I'm tired of his shit” Seungkwan raised his voice and groaned.

 

Wonwoo stood up from bed, both of his eyebrows furrowed, and he walked towards Seungkwan. He took the shorter male by his shirt's collar and brought him closer. “You shut the fuck up. If I hear you complaining again I'm going to make you regret every single day of your existence”

 

“Jokes on you, I already do that” Seungkwan pushed Wonwoo away with both hands and walked out of the room they shared. 

 

Minghao looked at the ceiling and closed his eyes later, he felt something too. In his chest, he had a bad feeling but he couldn't explain it. 

 

Junhui entered the room and walked towards her bed, where she sat, she was crying and looking defeated. She decided to hide under her blankets, certainly not wanting to explain herself… and she was pretty sure no one cared. 

Jisoo entered the room right after and went straight to his bed to start reading his bible, like every night. Jihoon looked at him with one of his eyebrows lifted, wondering why Junhui was not complaining about it. 

  
  


Jeonghan patted Chan's back lightly to later tell him it was time to go to bed. The younger went straight up to Jeonghan's bed and waited for him under the blankets; Wonwoo returned to his bed and Jeonghan took both of his cheeks between his hands. 

 

“Easy… easy… everything is okay now, you don't need to get angry at Kwannie” Jeonghan murmured softly “It's time to sleep, do you want to sleep with us?”

 

Wonwoo nodded and leaned to kiss Jeonghan's lips, gesture that the latter answered with parting his lips slightly to kiss the taller better. 

 

Jihoon looked at them with disgust but his attention went straight to the nurse that entered the room right after. She handed him three different pills, the same kind he was given at the lunch time, those he threw away at the garden. He looked at her and she motioned he needed to take them right in front of her.

 

The shorter male sighed and he put the pills on his tongue. 

 

“Don't swallow them” Junhui said in a low voice from inside her blankets “They are trying to make you crazy” 

 

Jihoon looked at her bed, where she was hiding and then took the water the nurse was offering to him. He swallowed the pills for the first time in months and opened his mouth so the nurse could see they were actually gone. 

  
Minghao looked at Jihoon from his bed and then covered himself with his blankets. The feeling in his chest grew down to his stomach; he closed his eyes and the lights went off, even if Seungkwan wasn't in his bed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's so much going on with this group of people, God. (?)
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, babies. And thank you so much for your kudos and bookmarks, and of course, for your comments. I love reading then and knowing what you think, it's very important for me, so thank you and don't hesitate into leaving them! 
> 
> ❤ I'm currently editing garden so it will be up in a couple of hours, if you read that one too❤


	4. bruises and breakfast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jihoon realizes everyone knows something is going on except for him and starts wondering if it's because of his new medication.

Seungkwan sat between Jeonghan and Jihoon in complete silence, contrary at how fucking loud and annoying he always was. 

Minghao lifted his head to look at his friend from where he was sitting and his face soon showed a concerned expression. "What happened to you? Who did that to you?" He asked, getting up from his seat to cup Seungkwan's face with both hands, the younger had bruised all over his face, his neck and his arms, someone had clearly beaten the fuck out of him. Minghao turned his face to look at Wonwoo, his eyebrows furrowed.

 

"It was not me, he wouldn't even be able to walk if I had taken the time to fuck him up" Wonwoo raised one eyebrow, unimpressed of how bad Seungkwan looked.

 

"It was not him and I don't want to talk about it" Seungkwan spoke, crossing his arms at his chest height. 

 

"Next time he messes with Chan I will fuck him up, though" Wonwoo clarified, grinning.

 

"What are you? His father? And Jeonghan is the mother, right" Minghao turned to face Wonwoo, clearly angry "Because you are a family, how cute. Are you going to adopt a pet anytime soon? It will be lovely" 

 

"Hao, please" Jeonghan shook his head, looking at the younger "Please not now, Chan is not feeling well" 

 

"I don't give a shit about Chan, he can die for all I care" Minghao got into Jeonghan's face, smiling.

 

Chan gasped and he started crying in silence, he was sitting next to Wonwoo, between him and Jeonghan. 

 

Jeonghan pushed Minghao, who fell on his butt to the floor, while the older stood up from his seat. "Watch your fucking mouth" He warned the latter, dead serious about it. 

 

"Leave it, Hao" Seungkwan stood from his place too, to help his friend.

 

Jihoon took a deep breath and got up. "I can't fucking stand you all" He shook his head, massaging his temples with both hands, tired of them and their fighting. He started walking away, it would be better for him if he could spend some time alone, his head was really hurting. 

 

Jihoon walked to the room they shared but froze in his place when he heard moaning coming from inside the said room. He grabbed the doorknob and squeezed it gently, eavesdropping, trying to figure out whose voice was it. 

 

He bit his lower lip, opening the door a little so he could sneak a peek inside the room and he almost choked when he saw Junhui and Jisoo making out. Junhui's right hand inside Jisoo's pants, stroking his boner while Jisoo moaned directly into her mouth. 

 

He saw how Junhui parted lips with Jisoo and kneeled between his legs, pulling Jisoo's pants down to his ankles, then he closed the door. 

 

"Fucking disgusting" Jihoon murmured, cringing, now that was going to be in his mind forever. 

 

But didn't they hate each other? He shook his head and walked towards his doctor's office, he needed a place to be at peace and even though he hated when Dr. Seungcheol started asking too many questions, maybe this time he wouldn't mind answering them as an exchange for some peace.

 

 

Jihoon knocked at the door softly and when he heard that  _"come in"_ he pushed the door with his shoulder and one hand, while the other moved the doorknob. Dr. Seungcheol gave him a look and sighed, following the small frame until he took a seat on the divan, quickly laying down, his gaze stuck on the ceiling, he didn't like making eye contact. 

 

"How are you today, Jihoon?" Dr. Seungcheol asked, taking out the notebook where he kept the record and information the younger gave him.

 

The younger shrugged, not looking at the professional. "Someone hurt Seungkwan and everyone got upset"

 

"Who hurt Seungkwan?"

 

"How am I supposed to know? I am not his shadow"

 

Dr. Seungcheol furrowed as he wrote down what the latter was saying. "Then tell me, Jihoon, what do you think that happened to Seungkwan?"

 

"Jisoo and Junhui were making out on the room" He said, currently it was the only thing in his mind, he was still quite shocked.

 

The older male put down the pen to look at Jihoon, trying to understand what he was saying. "So Junhui and Jisoo actually like each other..." He started writing down on the notebook again. 

 

"Jisoo and Junhui are complete opposites, I don't get how this is happening..."Jihoon took a deep breath "But I don't the others know, Jisoo is always talking about how Junhui is going to hell because she is a sinner"

 

"Do you think deep inside him that's the reason why he hates Junhui? Because he actually likes her?" Seungcheol stuck his gaze on the younger, waiting for an answer, he was very curious about it, the possible could help him a lot with his analysis over his patience.

 

"I do, and I think Junhui might have feelings for him, that's why she is always bitter, because she is frustrated Jisoo can't accept his reality. Or maybe she is just tainting him so she can get a revenge and make Jisoo go crazy" Jisoo explained, calmed. Suddenly something came to his mind and he had to close his eyes to fully concentrate in it. 

 

A memory in black and white; someone was running barefoot over grass, wearing a long dress stained with different kind of things he couldn't figure out what exactly they were. Panting. And then nothing, just silence... the memory ended as soon as it came to him, and he couldn't really understand it, it didn't even look like his own memory but someone else's.

 

"Are you okay, Jihoon?" The older asked, looking at him, confused. 

 

"Yeah, sorry, what did you say?"

 

"I said you need to go back, it's almost dinner time and you need to be on time" 

 

Jihoon got up from the divan and put his hands inside his jeans pockets, ready to leave to have that  _wonderful_ dinner time. God, how he hated it, he fully understood why Seungkwan refused to eat... apart from his evident eating disorder, he was pretty sure the lady in charge of the kitchen farted on their food for the way it smelled.

 

"Don't forget to take your pills, Jihoon" 

 

"Junhui says they are bad for me, she believes they will make me lose my mind"

 

"Junhui said that?"

 

"Yeah, she really thinks I shouldn't be taking them"

 

"Don't listen to her, Jihoon, you need to be strong and take your pills"

 

The younger got out of that office and he walked to the cafeteria, where he sat down at a table next to Chan, who was for the first time in months, alone without Jeonghan, just hugging a stuffed bear tightly. Jihoon didn't say anything, he just looked at the younger, Chan's gaze lost somewhere else but not in the room they were currently in.

 

Seungkwan and Minghao sat in front of them, and only when Jihoon lifted his head he was able to look at Minghao, the guy had his lower lip broken and a bruise on his jawline, he clearly had got into a fight. Both Seungkwan and Minghao were quiet.

 

Jihoon tilted his head to one side, was it possible that maybe Jeonghan was the one who fought with Minghao? Just as he was thinking about the older of them, Jeonghan entered the cafeteria and sat down next to Chan, hugging him tight. 

 

Nobody said anything but they kept looking at each other, the shorter of them felt as if they all knew what was going on, everyone except for him. He just let out a heavy sigh. 

 

They were all gathered in their shared room, getting ready to sleep, when the nurse entered, handing Jihoon his dose of pills and a cup filled with water. 

"Don't take them" Junhui said, looking intently at Jihoon.

 

"Mingyu told me those are three times the dose they used to give you, maybe you shouldn't be taking them, you feel fine, right?" Jeonghan said in a really low voice, looking at Jihoon too, he was worried.

 

"I'm already here without a single explanation as of why, nothing can be worse than that" Jihoon shrugged, even when he always asked the reason nobody said a word to him. 

 

The nurse gave him a look and she looked intently as he swallowed the pills. She then left the room without saying anything, leaving them alone.

 

"They will make you crazy and you with end up the upper levels, with the really crazy ones" Junhui warned, clearly mad at how Jihoon didn't take her advice. She got up from her bed and left the room under everyone's gaze. 

 

"If you take them God will not be able to get into your dreams, those pills knock you down" Jisoo said in almost a whisper, without taking his sight out of his bible, he was reading it as he did every night.

 

Jihoon rolled his eyes and layed down, covering himself with blankets, closing his eyes to sleep.

The next morning at breakfast Junhui sat down next to Jisoo. She had bruises in her neck, as if someone had strangled her hard, but she didn't say a word; no one said anything, and again Jihoon felt he was the only one not understanding what was going on. 

 

He looked at his pills, waiting for him to take them, in his tray next to his oatmeal. With a soft sigh he took the pills and put them inside his sweater pocket and once he was outside, he threw the pills away on the garden. What if Junhui got into trouble because he told Dr. Seungcheol about her telling him not take the pills? He felt bad for a moment, maybe she was just actually trying to help.

 

Maybe he didn't realize what was going on because of the pills. 

He stopped taking them and everything seemed to start getting into place.


	5. purgatory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains self-harm so if it triggers you in anyway I highly suggest for you to skip it, sweeties, please.
> 
> Thank you so much for all your bookmarks, hits, kudos and comments, i deeply appreciate each one of them <3 this story is near to its end! I really hope you, by now, have an idea of what it's going on, if you have any question about the characters or the situations, feel free to ask it, i will try to answer them properly without giving any kind of spoiler until the very end, which will reveal all! Again, thank you!

Jihoon opened the door and left the room walking slowly, his hands inside his jeans pockets, his gaze stuck in the floor, Junhui walking behind him. The group therapy was awful, Wonwoo almost jumped to punch Jisoo right in the face. If it wasn't for Jeonghan who stopped him while the others chanted  _fight, fight!_

Dr. Seokmin only gave him a sympathetic smile while he looked at the others, eyebrows furrowed, quiet all the time while the others talked out loud. Still, Dr. Seokmin told them about the therapy for the next week and waved, taking a deep breath.

"See you around" Minghao stopped before getting out to the garden and Seungkwan gave him a look, but he didn't say anything, he just kept walking.

Minghao ran all the way back inside the building until he reached the cafeteria, passing slowly by it as he looked one way and another, making sure no one was around. He then went upstairs quickly, trying to be as quiet as he could, and then he pushed a heavy door that led to the pharmacy; he took the doorknob and held his breath as he opened it slowly, just enough to see who was inside. 

"You are here" Minghao finally said, entering the room and closing the door behind, locking it. He threw his arms around Hansol's neck and immediately started kissing his lips, happy. 

"How are you?" Hansol didn't have time to ask properly, he leaned to take the latter's waist and answered the kiss with slow moves of his lips.

"Fine" Minghao said over Hansol's lips, giving small pecks to them. 

"What did Dr. Seokmin said? I know you had therapy today" Hansol gave him a small smile and pushed him gently so he could sit over the desk near them, that way Hansol was able to make himself some space between the latter's legs. 

"Yeah, it was awful, Jisoo is a jerk and made Junhui cry, Wonwoo almost hit him" Minghao shrugged, looking at his eyes. "But you know what? I feel better than ever... I think I might be able to go back home" 

Hansol tilted his head to one side and took a deep breath. 

"What? You don't think I'm getting better?"

"I think it's more difficult than just feeling okay or not" 

"You don't want me to get out so we can date officially?" 

"I didn't say that..."

Minghao pouted and lowered his head, clearly hurt by the latter's words. He gently pushed the other and made his way out of that place, returning to the garden with the others.

"I am having the dreams too" Chan murmured to Jihoon's ear, hugging his bunny tight onto his chest. 

Jihoon furrowed both eyebrows and turned to see the younger. "What?"

"I am having the dreams too" Chan said again, not looking at him "Tell him, Mr. Bun, tell him about the dreams" He started saying, taking the bunny by each of its tiny arms and moving it as if it was walking over his knees "Someone is running... and then, screams. Mr. Bun thinks the one screaming is you"

Jihoon shivered from head to toes and then turned his head to look at Jeonghan and Wonwoo, who were talking a couple of feet away from them, they were hugging each other. Jeonghan was clearly still trying to make Wonwoo calm, the taller was still not happy about Jisoo calling Junhui names. 

"Jeonghan, your son is being annoying" Seungkwan raised his voice, rolling his eyes at what the younger of them said. 

"He can't be more annoying than you" Jeonghan answered, turning his head to look at Seungkwan.

Minghao snorted. 

"Funny" Seungkwan raised one eyebrow "Tell him to stop, he is making Jihoon anxious"

"Channie" Jeonghan got up from where he was sitting and walked over to sit next to Chan. "What's going on?" He hugged the younger gently.

"You are in pain" Chan whispered, looking at his bunny "And you scream" he added, turning his head to look at Jihoon with a serious expression.

"Alright, I think it's time we talk about something else" Jeonghan interrupted him, bringing the younger to his chest to make him rest his head there. 

Jihoon stood up, hyperventilating and looked at Chan intently, his hands turned into fists and he looked clearly disturbed by the words the younger said. He started running inside the building and reached their room, where he locked himself inside, overwhelmed suddenly with all sorts of emotions he couldn't explain, he couldn't even breathe. He felt like he was drowning.

He closed his eyes and pressed them hardly together, his fists clenching to the bedsheets, pulling them as he opened and closed his mouth. Suddenly everything hurt. 

Desperately he looked from one place to another in the room and walked to Junhui's bed bunk, flipping the mattress, and finding a small mirror underneath. He threw the mirror to the floor to break it and took one piece of it, he proceeded to cut himself several times in both forearms. 

Wonwoo was shivering under his blankets, his body temperature was incredibly hot. He was sweating and Jeonghan was by his side trying to calm him down, caressing his back gently, kissing his head, whispering that everything was going to be alright.

Junhui and Minghao were cleaning the room, both of them in complete silence. 

Seungkwan looked at them, his arms crossed, sitting on his bed, his head hurt, he felt dizzy, about to throw up as he looked how the blood was pooled right in the middle of the room.

"Everything will be fine" Jeonghan murmured, kissing Wonwoo's head again. 

"He did it again" Chan was hugging his stuffed bear into his chest, crying quietly.

"Everything will be fine" Jeonghan repeated, like a mantra, turning his head to look at the younger, he was sitting at the edge of the mattress.

"He wants to be far from us again so bad he tried to kill himself again" Chan cried loudly.

"He won't enter the Lord's paradise if he dies by killing himself, he knows it" Jisoo said out loud, stopping his reading of the bible to point out that fact. "God doesn't like cowards"

"God doesn't like you either" Junhui said, not stopping her hand of wiping the blood with sanitary paper, it was all they had.

"Cowards like Jihoon go to purgatory" Jisoo smiled mockingly "But sinners like you go to hell, Junhui, you are already damned" 

Jun stopped what she was going to turn around to see the latter. "I know it beforehand, but... aren't you, yourself, going to hell for moaning while I sucked your dick this morning after breakfast?" She flashed a smile at Jisoo, who jumped from his bunk to face he girl.

"Shut up, sinner, you lured me into it and I already prayed for forgiveness" 

"Oh, so it's alright as long as you pray for forgiveness... did you pray that time you sucked my dick too?" 

Jisoo pushed Junhui so hard she fell on her butt over the remaining blood that was still spilled over the floor. 

Seungkwan snorted. Minghao lifted his head annoyed and glanced Jisoo. 

"Return to your fucking bunk before I make you go up there with my fist shoved up your disgusting ass" Minghao warned, helping Junhui get up from the floor.

"I bet tomorrow morning he is going to ask me to do that, he likes my dick so much" Junhui licked her lips and laughed, flipping her long hair. "Leave it, he is an asshole"

"Freak" Jisoo mumbled under his breath and returned to his bunk.

 

"Tell them to be quiet" Wonwoo murmured weakly, shivering, grabbing Jeonghan's hand to kiss the back of it "They are screaming so much, make them stop" 

Jeonghan gave Wonwoo a sympathetic look and nodded, leaning to kiss his head again. "Time to go to sleep" 

At that, everyone simple returned to their own beds and then, Jeonghan turned off the lights. 

"Jihoon doesn't like us" Chan whispered, already clenched to one of Jeonghan's arms, scared of the darkness that took over the room.

"He will have to get used to it" Seungkwan raised his voice, annoyed. 

"Everything will be fine" Jeonghan murmured to Wonwoo's ear, the taller had started to sob in the middle of his high fever.


	6. the others

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seungcheol and Seokmin sit down to talk about their patient. Jihoon meets a new one, one that he actually likes. The rest are not happy, but that's the way it is.

Wonwoo was under his bed sheets, still in bed, not actually sleeping but he wasn't feeling well. He was still with high fever, three days in a row, and to make things worse, Chan barely slept in those three days, all he did was cry. Junhui got sick too, she was throwing up everything she ate, so she gave up on the night of the first day all the craziness started. The rest of them were simply there,  _existing_ , tired, their energies or wills, totally sucked out of their bodies.

Even Jisoo wasn't speaking and being his annoying self. 

The door opened and Jihoon entered the room. A nurse shoved him inside and said something along the lines of  _we will have an eye on you._ He only shrugged, eyebrows furrowed, as he made his way straight to his bed. 

He completely ignored the others, hiding under his blankets. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, he felt like shit. 

"Look who is back" Seungkwan said out loud, as if it wasn't totally clear. 

Jihoon slipped his hand out of the bed sheets and showed him his middle finger.

"I cleaned your DNA off the floor and that's how you treat me?" Junhui raised her voice, speaking from her bed bunk. 

"Should I thank you?" Jihoon asked, finally taking the bed sheets off his body to sit at the edge of his bed.

"I didn't know you were such a coward, Jihoonie, trying to give up in life that way instead of just facing the shit show it is" Seungkwan scoffed maliciously, shrugging.

"It's none of your goddamn business, Seungkwan" Jihoon answered, clenching his jaw.

"Why do you want to be away from us?" Chan asked, curled next to Wonwoo, not looking at the latter, he was staring at his stuffed animal "Why?" He asked again "Even if you go... the nightmares are not going to stop"

Jihoon got up from his bed and with eyebrows furrowed, he left the room, those idiots were the last thing he needed after spending three entire days in a hospital, under extreme vigilance. With hands turned into fists, he marched through the hallway, looking at the floor, practically stomping his feet.

He certainly didn't see someone was coming right into his way. 

They bumped into each other, and Jihoon landed on his ass. 

"I'm so sorry" The guy leaned, offering him his hand to help him get up. 

Jihoon bitterly took that hand and got up, giving the latter a look. "It's okay, I was not looking either" 

"Soonyoung" 

The shorter male blinked slowly a couple of times before even understanding. "Jihoon" He said back.

"Do you want to go outside?" Soonyoung asked, looking intently at the latter.

Jihoon shrugged "I guess, anywhere else is better than to be around those assholes I'm obligated to share room with" 

Seokmin sat down in fron of Seungcheol, sighing deeply. 

"How is he?" Seokmin asked, looking intently at his co-worker.

"You tell me, how is he?" Seungcheol stopped reading the archive in front of him, on his desk. He sighed deeply and shook his head, tiredness clear in his eyes.

"He didn't go to therapy, he doesn't want to see  _the others"_  Seokmin shrugged, making a face. He sighed too, Jihoon was Seungcheol's official patient, he only saw him twice a week to see if it could help, but so far things didn't seem like they were going to be better. Three months was their record, three months in which they almost thought everything was fine... but somehow, things only got worse and worse after that. 

There was a knock on the door. 

"Come in" Seungcheol raised his voice, and the door opened. Jihoon walked inside the office. "What can I do for you, Jihoonie?" 

"I wanted to talk with you about something, but I can wait outside until you finish" He said, in a really low voice, almost shy. 

"It won't be long, please wait then" Seungcheol smiled at him the best he could, and after nodding, Jihoon left, Seokmin and him alone once again.

"He seems to be getting better" Seokmin said after a short while.

"He is not" Seungcheol rummaged through the papers he was reading before "Have you heard about Soonyoung?" He asked, taking out his notebook, the one he used for his sessions with Jihoon.

"Once, the week after he was back from the hospital, he said something about Soonyoung, apparently, he is friends with this guy" Seokmin shrugged, not really understanding the point his co-worker wanted to make.

" _Theres_ _no_ _Soonyoung_ _in this clinic"_ Seungcheol informed him, reading the last page he wrote on his previous session with his patient.

Seokmin furrowed his eyebrows. "You mean h-"

"Yeah, I totally mean that" 

"But-"

Seungcheol started turning pages in his notebook, almost at the beginning of it. "Jihoon is the only daughter of a very, very catholic marriage. In fact, his dad was a pastor in some church. When Jihoon was twelve, she decided to tell her parents she was... transgender.  _She_ is actually a  _he_ _"_ The doctor sighed, turning pages in the notebook. "His father didn't take it good. He was an extremist, no daughter of his was going to be pulling that kind of shit, so he decided the best way to avoid criticism from his church and also, to  _protect_ his daughter from damnation... was c _uring her._  So he did. Jihoon was three months chained in the basement, naked"

Seokmin shivered, disgusted at the idea, already making up the scenery in his mind.

"His father raped her every single damn day, he barely gave her any food or water, just the exact amount to keep her alive. He abused her in all the ways someone can abuse other being; physically, mentally, psychologically... Jihoon's mother just ignored what was going on, for the sake of her marriage, and because she genuinely though her husband was going to  _fix t_ heir daughter. One day, Jihoon managed to escape... barely alive. Dehydrated, weak, trembling, crying... I remember when she first came here, she didn't allow anyone to touch her and she didn't speak, she just wandered around the ward. When Jeonghan a _rrived,_ Jihoon started talking again, mostly complains on how he wouldn't let her alone"

"But Jeonghan..." Seokmin didn't know how to say it, but he knew what the latter was talking about, he had witness it by himself every time they had  _group_ therapy.

"Jihoon was so traumatized she divided herself into several different personalities, it's a very common personality disorder, people who suffered from some kind of terrible experience do it, it's a coping mechanism to make herself forget about everything.  _Jeonghan_  was the first one, he represents all of Jihoon's  _good_  side, all the good things he had in himself, that's why Jeonghan is always the one who brings the  _others w_ ith them, he is the one who tries to keep himself together and see the sun after the storm. Then we have  _Chan_ , Jihoon's innocence, it was stolen away from her, Chan is always afraid, that's the part of him who had to cope with being corrupted and is the part of him that can remember everything that happened, he can't sleep due to the nightmares, they are just flashbacks, and almost always Chan is crying and afraid... can you guess why?" 

Seokmin nodded in complete silence.

"Then we have  _Minghao_ , he is the naïve side of Jihoon, the one who believes people is good, it doesn't matter if they have a knife ready to cut your throat.  _Junhui,_ she is openly trans, she  _is_  a girl and acts like one freely, she doesn't care what others say... Junhui is a projection of what Jihoon always wanted to be, but it seems to be inversed, the reason why I don't know it yet.  _Jisoo_ _,_ all the prejudice their parents taught her during her life through religion, to me it also seems Jisoo is some kind of projection on her father, but mainly Jisoo is her, judging herself with all the things her parents put in input inside her head"

"I once hear Jihoon saying she was sick on her stomach because she saw Junhui and Jisoo kissing and making gross things" Seokmin spoke, thoughtful.

"It wouldn't surprise me if that was true, after all, her father sent the message that even if she was filthy for wanting to be a boy instead of a girl, even if she was a sinner... he still did terrible things to her, it's complementary, Jisoo and Junhui" Seungcheol sighed and turned another page " _Seungkwan_ , her judgmental self, perfectionist, he is annoying to Jihoon because Seungkwan always wants to express how perfect he must be and along that, drags Jihoon into insecurities like being overweighted, or not being enough to make her parents happy... which is how she felt when she was first chained in the basement.  _Wonwoo_ _,_ all the rage inside Jihoon, all the anger bottled up in her body, although Jihoon always makes Wonwoo seem like a quiet being, in fact she knows deep inside Wonwoo could just explode anytime and against anyone... all of them are just a way for Jihoon to act by herself without blaming herself for it, without reminding herself what happened"

"Then Soonyoung..."

"I don't know... I'm trying to figure it out" 

"I'll tell Jihoon to bring Soonyoung to the next therapy day, it's the  _only one_  she seems to like and the others don't like him, they fight over it constantly"

"And I am wondering why, but it doesn't seem like a good thing to me, even if Jihoon likes  _him"_

Seokmin got up from his seat and sighed even more deeply, just when he thought things were getting better.

Seungcheol got up from his seat too and walked with Seokmin to the door, opening it for the latter to leave. Seokmin looked at him in the eye, already out of the office, and gave Seungcheol a worried look, which the latter returned, shrugging. 

Seokmin walked away and he stood in the hallway outside his office, looking intently at Jihoon, who was alone next to the window, smiling and nodding, talking cheerfully with someone she was only able to see. Jihoon waved at that someone and then turned to face Seungcheol, walking immediately towards him and later, inside the office. 

Seungcheol waited a few more minutes before entering, just looking through the window to the sky. Gray, the sun was not visible... it was going to rain. He then turned to enter the office and closed the door, walking to his desk, sitting in his chair. His gaze was later stuck in the notebook he was previously reading, the one he used to write down anything Jihoon told him during their meetings.

_No matter how far_ _Jihoon's_ _wants to be from them, they always keep coming near him. He finds himself struggling with how much they disgust him... because it's himself._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> an actual rollercoaster of things i had bottled up inside, if you have any doubts regardless any of them pls feel free to ask them!


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